Lucas crop 1
Lucas crop 3
Lucas crop 4
Lucas crop 5
Lucas crop 2
DSC05682 1

I think I love my friends very dearly. The people that are in my life, like, I’m so appreciative of them. And that’s something I really value in myself, I guess. Is that, you know, I care for those around me. Which, you know, I guess, tangentially, it can also mean like, I know that sometimes I’m very concentrated on my circles, and I’m not reaching out enough and trying to expand those circles is something that I’m trying to, like, consciously be aware of.

I like to think I’m pretty funny. I like to think I’m funny, and I like being funny. You know, I like it. It’s something I’ve always cherished, you know, that’s why I even moved up here in the first place. So I like to think that I’m quick witted and can be funny if asked, if called upon. Yeah, I came up here for improv and stand up and stuff. Now I’m a 30 year old programmer. So like life is weird sometimes.

A lot of the things that I think a lot of people hold really strongly to themselves about like, like, you know, are things that I’m so ready and willing to throw kind of away. Like I have no real attachment to where I grew up. I’m already planning like, I don’t really want to be here forever.

I’m, I’m kind of like a daydreamer, I guess, like, I feel like I’m constantly looking for, like, daydreaming about how I can transform my life in some way. Or, like, make a choice so I can throw a lot of these like things in the trash. I feel like I don’t hold onto labels. If anything, if I get assigned a label, I’m desperate to get rid of it as fast as I can. I guess I value like the ability to like pivot and change, and I don’t want to let that go. I don’t want to let that go. I guess you can tell like I have problems with commitment and those things kind of scare me. And like even now, I’m trying to think of what I can change and how much longer I want to be doing the things I’m doing and whether they bring me like joy or like, you know, just constantly re evaluating those things

I suppose I quit. I know, like the, the attitude of, I am a quitter is, like so frowned upon and like a lot of like our, mentality in our cultural like lexicons. Like, say like, oh, like quitters, never win, like, but like, I I quit a lot of things that like I once cherished, like, like improv and comedy and like all this stuff, like, the second I felt like it wasn’t bringing me like would any, any joy or like, the second I felt any, like real cynicism about it, I was very ready to like, be like, this is that’s enough. I’m not bringing my best forward. And the world’s not getting better because the world’s not getting better because of my like, half assed, like angry, like cynical views anymore. And I’m going to drop all of it and like, you know, with like, a lot of the past jobs I’ve had like the second I feel like discomfort or, honestly, like whenever I like lose, like kind of a passion. I’m either like, they’re very clearly because like, you know, we live in a capitalist world, like I gotta do what I can for a paycheck. But it’s very clear that I’m done. Like, I’m phoning it in, and like, it’s something I hate about myself about how quick I am to like, how I can’t hide my like this taste or dissatisfaction with something. But, you know, like, I don’t think I’ve I don’t think it’s ever gotten me into trouble. I think even when I faced the consequences, like, I’ve been fired from jobs because of how like little I cared for things now. It’s ever brought me to a worse place. Like, I wish, if anything, I wish I could be more honest with myself sooner and been saying like, I’m quitting because I hate this. Yeah, and I can’t do it anymore. And I wish I had like, a little more like gusto to be like, I am out of here and fuck all of you who I wish I could but like, at the very least I make it so clear. That like I am done with what we’re pretending to be doing. Yeah. But, you know, it’s always brought me somewhere better. And it’s always left me like in a happier place. And, like, I think things like quitting and saying no more is great.

I’m an optimist. Like, no matter what happens, I’m pretty hopeful about like, something that happens, like, we make we make we make our fortune, we make our futures, to a certain extent, obviously, there’s things that like, in the world that we can’t control, but to a certain extent, like we get to control those things, and, you know, things can get better. I wrestled with problems of like, despair, too, just like everybody, especially right now, we’re kind of, like, in kind of scary times. But like, I’m confident and I’m hopeful that things will get better. And, you know, like, even with this, covid stuff, like, what a what a testament of like, how most people are willing to give up something tangible, and sacrifice or because, like, realistically, like, I’m not at risk for Corona. Like, I’m not going to really suffer from it. It doesn’t matter, I’m going to do what I do, like, and that’s what like, almost every, almost everyone in the world did. Like, we all did it. What a testament to the human spirit and human empathy. And I know that like a few. I mean, a lot of like, really big assholes, like, are actively trying to like derail all this effort of like, human goodwill, but like, it’s just incredible that the world did it. You know, like, and we’re doing it in spite of those like de railing efforts we’re doing, we’re doing it. And I think that that’s like really, like, kind of beautiful.

I feel like whenever I’m at like parties, like people will see me and are like that. Oh, yeah. That like wallflower guy. Like, get out of here. I do get stressed out in situations where, like, I mean, I get stressed out to parties, but onstage in front of a bunch of people like is very easy. And I don’t know why that is. I have no problem talking to you like talking in front of 100 strangers. They’re not talking to me, I guess. I guess I’m a narcissist in some way I don’t know. But like at parties I’m just like really shy and nervous, and I feel like it’s a weird thing about me. Or like even vice versa like, I feel like I’ve always been pretty bombastic on stage. And the second I’m offstage, I’m like this shriveled old man, you know? Yeah.